The Sensual Language of the Desperate Housewife
by XGlamorousxGlueX
Summary: Some words are meant to be sexy. Others...aren't.
1. Chapter 1

_Hey! Long time no see._

_Wrote this a couple of days ago and posted it somewhere else. I've only just had time to publish it here :D_

_Warnings: Lots of words that just shouldn't be used._

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><p><strong>The Ancient and Sensual Language of the Desperate Housewife<strong>

Sirius tried to focus on Remus' eyes.

The same eyes that had been focused on what he called Sirius' "bulging arousal" not two seconds ago. If Sirius had known that Remus was going to jump him the moment James and Peter walked out the room, he would have at least taken off his pants. Or shoes. Or jacket.

"Give me your manrod, Sirius."

Sirius had to bite his lip to hold back a snort as Remus led him back onto the mattress, climbing on top of him without preamble.

"Hey Remus..." Sirius licked his lips. "What do you want to do?"

''I want your throbbing erection in my puckered hole," answered Remus without even looking up from the task of unbuttoning Sirius' shirt, hair sticking up in all directions that vaguely reminded Sirius of the time he made all his underwear wrap around James' head last month.

Remus looked up at Sirius now, challenging him to back away yet knowing full well that Sirius wouldn't, couldn't ever do it even if his life depended on it.

"Unless you want to get chaffed-"

"I already have the lube. Now give me your huge dick."

Sirius had to bite the inside of his cheek now, already anticipating how regretful he'd feel if he'd want to eat something sour later on. It didn't matter now. Not when Remus was undressing, removing his clothes faster than a Quidditch player avoiding a run in with another boy in the showers. He straddled Sirius, crushing him despite his appearance.

Remus leaned down close to Sirius' face to grin against his mouth. "Take me now. Make me yours." In reply, Sirius hooked his leg around a thin thigh to turn Remus on his back, grinning down at Remus this time before grinding himself against him.

"Sirius, your manhood is throbbing against me," said Remus as he sucked his bottom lip into his mouth.

"Remus..." tried Sirius.

"Fuck my tight heat."

Sirius had to tuck his face against Remus' neck now, nipping at the skin and grunting when Remus weaved his fingers through his hair to bring him closer.

Long fingered hands worked swiftly over Sirius' belt and zipper as he gave a breathy whisper into Sirius' ear. "I can't wait to suck your weeping cock."

Sirius lost it.

His shoulders shook with suppressed laughter, then quickly turned into loud guffaws that matched Remus' chortles in volume. Remus laughed so hard that he rolled off the bed, arms falling in all directions and hitting the night stand, making everything on top of it fall to the stone floor.

Sirius proceeded to smother his face with a pillow as his legs kicked out to substitute the lack of noise. He did make noise when Remus' hand tried and failed to grab hold of the duvet, falling back against the nightstand again.

Remus finally crawled up onto the bed, letting out pathetic little whines of pain and laughter as he lay atop Sirius again.

"You win," laughed Sirius. "You top today, you bastard." He lifted his head off the mattress to kiss Remus just as he began to laugh again. It was a smart move since he was able to push his tongue inside without really trying. "Weeping cock. Where the fuck did you learn these disgraceful words?"

"The neighbor has a wonderfully diverse collection of novels that target desperate housewives who suffer from sexual boredom," mumbled Remus against Sirius' neck. "I think they're fantastically horrifying."

"You know what else is fantastic?" asked Sirius as he reached down between both of them. "Cock. Just...always cock. Throbbing, pulsing cock." He didn't even have time to laugh when Remus flipped him over onto his stomach, face laying flat and hands moving quickly to grip the sheets.

"Don't say anything about pulsing or throbbing unless you want me to wank in the loo by myself."

"You'd never-" Sirius was cut off before he was able to answer back, simply arching his back as Remus slid into him to shut him up completely. That was the secret; fuck Sirius and you'd have the most compliant human being imaginable.

Remus curled as arm around Sirius' chest to keep him still, moving his hips forward and forcing Sirius to go along with him. Sirius' tended to loose control of his head in times like these, letting it fall forward, only to bring it up to repeat the process all over again. The hand on Sirius' chest held him tightly, but he still managed to move as Remus' hips thrust faster, harder against him.

When Sirius began to moan, head turning to the side to look at Remus while his hips pushed back to meet each thrust with equal force, Remus paused to use his knees to open Sirius' legs wider.

When Sirius' thighs fit atop Remus', he gave a particularly hard thust that made Sirius' back bow and almost whimper at the feel of it. Remus was aiming for a full on whimper, the one that made Sirius' face contort and mouth fall open because he was about to come hard.

Mouth planted squarely on Sirius' ear and panting right into it, Remus' hips moved fast and hard enough to drive Sirius into the mattress. He knew Sirius was close, so close...

There. Sirius moaned and let out an appealing little noise in the back of his throat as he raised himself using both arms to let one of Remus' hands snake underneath to grab and stroke his cock.

He came not long after, his right hand reaching back to smack against Remus' back, bringing him down right when he was coming. Even after, he kept moving back against Remus, grinding and rotating his hips until the werewolf moaned into his hair, right behind his ear.

Remus didn't bother moving off Sirius, simply laying down as the room became quiet again. He didn't mind if James came in, or Peter. He didn't care that Sirius still had his pants dangling off one foot and that the duvet was on the floor. Nothing mattered...

...until they both exclaimed "Weeping cock!" in unison.

And Sirius proceeded to suffocate himself with the pillow again while Remus rolled off onto the floor, this time hitting his head and laughing in pain and amusement.

One thing was for sure: they'd need to write a letter to James in desperate housewife language.

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><p><em>I hope that melted your brain with so many sexy words :s<em>

_Thoughts?_

_R/R :D_


	2. The Letter

A couple of lovely readers suggested I do a ficlet of James' letter so, here it is. It's short. But I couldn't think while laughing as I typed this because I just wanted the words TO STOP.

**Warning**: Words that should be unsafe for human pronunciation.

**The Letter**

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><p><em>James,<em>

_I know this will come to you as a shock. Believe me when I say it was a shock for me too._

_I want you, James._

_I want you to run your elegant fingers over the canvas of my pale skin. The times I've dreamed about you doing that is quite unhealthy. I've dreamed about having your pulsing manhood in my mouth. I want your bulging arousal against mine._

_James, please put your weeping cock inside me and make me forget my name. I want you to make me scream your name in the intense throes of passion. It would be so beautiful, the two of us together. Bite me, lick my skin, do whatever you want with me. I'll love it._

_Afterwards, we can simply rest in each others' arms while we try to catch our breath. I want to feel your sweat mix with mine as our tongues battle for dominance in the caverns of our mouths._

_If this doesn't convince you, I'm afraid I'll have no other choice but to show you just how much I want to do all of this to you._

_Forever craving your love machine,_

_Remus Lupin_

James stared.

And stared some more.

'What…the fuck was that?' whispered James. His hands shook slightly as his fingers gripped the thin piece of parchment he was reading. He never would have thought he'd loose half his brain cells in the process.

And as Remus laughed and Sirius fell off the bed while Peter chocked on his own saliva, James was hit with the cruel realization that it had been the first time he had ever been pranked. What a horrible way to do it, he thought.

But, for James, the fact that he'd fallen for it was far more of a turn off than Remus' choice of…words.

Well, until he decided to reread the letter again.

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><p><strong>Christmas break has arrived and I already have something planned for you guys!<strong>

**It's going to blow your pretty little minds. Trust me. You've seen it before and it's coming back! (So many puns, so little time)**


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